Poetry

Hey Georgie ^^ Shina here to do a review for you!

I do warn you that even though we're in the same writing class, I don't go easy with reviews

I. Nitpicks

Each casualty inflicted

Leads to your fatality

The second line is lacking a few syllables so it ruins the flow. I'd suggest adding an adjective before fatality.

The cheerless room

The locked doors

The end of all humanity

When you say "cheerless room" and "locked doors", the reader is more likely to think of a state of depression, so when you bring in the line about the end of humanity, it seems out of place. The lines before it just aren't close enough to make that big of a step.

It's like going from a common cold to a tumor.

The antagonism spred

The animosity inside

Animosity inside the narrator? The people? I'm not sure if this is a pandemic type of thing, a worldwide deal, or if it's just the narrator. Be more clear on that.

The falsehood that we shared

The torment of our lives

"The falsehood that we shared" is what makes this confusing. At first I'm thinking it's the end of the world, literally, but then it seems in certain situations that it's a teenage girl who's boyfriend cheated on her, but in the beginning the narrator is worried about how he's getting hurt.

II. Description and Imagery
The descriptions here were flat and rather vague. I couldn't picture anything in my mind because the poem was telling too much when you should have been showing.

Here's the difference:

Telling: The boy played his red stratocaster really awesome.

Showing: The boy held his guitar like a lover, caressing his fingers over the silver strings.

Not such a hot example, but you get the point. In the first one you can only hear the words, and it sounds like it was written. In the second one you can actually see the connection between the boy and his guitar and sense his feelings toward it.

Remember to illustrate a story with your words

III. Meaning and Story
The meaning of this poem is really hazy. It swerves left and right, its idea hazy and there's no conclusion. There's a person being hurt, locked doors, end of humanity, cheating on people, and then something about tormenting. What's the moral? What's the story?

IV. Overall
This poem is a bit too vague and its meaning unclear. Be more clear and illustrate the story in the readers minds with imagery. Use the five senses and some literary devices. What are you trying to say from this? What's the message? The main problem is lack of clarity.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions

-Shina